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What does Miley Cyrus have for dinner on Christmas? Twerky :`)
is on a Mission. The magic leprechaun told me to follow the pink racehorse to the rainbow where the orange elephant is holding my skittles hostage
I´m the kind of person that when my feet hit the ground each morning the devil says, "OH CRAP, HE´S UP"!
I have found that the best work from home occupation is a bartender
It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
The nice thing about being single is when you`re setting the silverware, it doesn`t matter which side you put the remote on.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren`t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Is it just me or is waking up at 3am and trying to read a text message like looking directly into the sun?
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Congratulations India on successfully orbiting a probe around Mars. I assume you`ll be opening call centers on the red planet and using fake Martian names now?
If I could be any animal I`d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
A panda never pays his bills, because he eats shoots and leaves!!!
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
Don`t send me a ;) face and then wonder why I show up at your house naked.