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Which wine goes best with more wine?
If there’s one piece of advice I can give you it’s to marry someone who has a different favorite cereal than you so they wont eat all of yours.
I`m getting all dressed up. Have a feeling I might be on COPS tonight.
I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
What if aliens only abduct crazy people, because nobody will ever believe them?
How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate
It only takes 2 ingredients to make a baby. Does that not blow your mind. Like at least there should be some flour or something.
We should start seeing Valentine`s Day crap in the stores any minute now.
Being sick is your bodies way of saying “Hey, you really need to catch up on some TV”.
Two can play that game...` -people who dont understand that`s how games usually work
My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."
Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.
I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.
A murderer was about to be put to death in the electric chair. "Do you have any last requests?" asked the chaplain. "One," he replied. "Will you hold my hand?"
A book fell on my head, I can only blame my shelf.