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Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler. Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
"Good for you!" means, "I do not consider you a threat" in woman-speak.
Just had workplace violence training. It`s like HR doesn`t even care about the first rule of fight club.
Thanks to Facebook, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Exercise? I thought you said "extra fries".
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.
Can anyone tell me how to become a illegal immigrant, their benefits are undeniably more superior to our own.
After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it`s worth.
Studies show than men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. See, it`s a survival thing.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Im so lazy today, I am going to watch fast and furious in slow motion.
If he`s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text...be smart enough to reply to all "I still haven`t gotten my period."
Why must I prove I`m me, if I`m callin to pay my bill. Do strangers call to pay my bills? If they do, then let them, you idiots!
For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea`s TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...