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This debt collector was just so surprised I answered my phone that they stuttered and hung-up lmao!!
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Just worked out, I will spend on average 7 years of my life in the bathroom. My wife will spend on average 6.9 years of her life knocking on the door saying " are you all right in there "
I BRIEFLY had an urge to clean ... but that lasted only 5 minutes .. whew! That was close! Lol
Sometimes “Girl`s night out” means she has just taken her bra off
Boobs, because you can`t motorboat a personality.
God is creative, I mean just look at me.
Today is Valentine’s Day or as I call it… Tuesday.
So Monday and Tuesday sucked. But, with the right mix of caffeine, alcohol and mushrooms, Wednesday doesn´t even have to happen at all.
The party`s not over `till you smile for the mugshot
My boss told me that if I can`t show up sober then don`t bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!
It´s never to late to be happy
I will be thoroughly disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn’t named Marvin.
Champagne says I`m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.