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Multi-tasking: the art of screwing up everything all at once.
I never meant to be so cold, I never meant to be so cold. - Mother nature
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until ALL the birds have gone South for the Winter.
I would watch NASCAR if it was more like Mario Kart.
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable applications of high explosives.
A good lawyer knows the law ... A great lawyer knows the judge.
It’s only a matter of time until “Security Cameras of Wal-Mart” is a reality TV show.
I honestly have a fear that one day I`ll leave my house and not be wearing any pants!
I think sharks eat people just to be on tv.
It turns out if you cry at the DMV they`ll let you take a second photo
Tip of the day: Don`t piss off anyone who has unlimited access to your toothbrush.
Since 4th of July falls on a Wednesday do we drink the weekend before? the weekend after? That Wednesday? The entire week? The entire month? The entire year?
Thinking " What would happen if the whole world farted at once and a person lit a lighter?"
The problem with coffee is trying to make it when you haven`t had any yet.
If Welch’s is 100% Grape Juice, then why the heck do you list 4 other ingredients?