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Spilling a full beer you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.
I had four E`s and LSD last night. Such an awful start to a game of scrabble!!
If I could move things by telekinesis I`d squeeze people`s insides and make them fart.
To drink, or not to drink?...what a stupid question!
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain realizes what I`m doing.
When plastic bags become currency, I will be king.
Tomorrow is Valentines day, a holiday that comes along once a year to remind you that if you don`t have a special someone...I guess your alone.
Not sure what my spirit animal is, but I am sure it has rabies
"Goodbye, everyone. I`ll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
What do you mean my bathrobe is inappropriate? Isn`t it casual Friday?!
Before bed, my Dad would always say, "OK son, time to hit the sack." Not sure how me punching him in the balls helped him sleep, but hey, that’s my Dad for ya.
Here’s a joke for all you mind readers out there…
So Stevie Wonder is going to become father to triplets next year. I guess he didn`t see that coming...
Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.
Whoever named anteaters, solid effort right there.