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“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don´t know when.
Let me check my giveashitmeter ... nope nothing.
If the Terminator was female the line would have been, “I might be back, I haven’t decided yet.”
There`s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
How long have I been working here? ... Ever since they threatened to fire me.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!”
I`ve been working with this alcohol free program for like six months and it`s really taken a toll on me ... I mean, I`m broke and as far as I`m concerned, they can buy their own alcohol.
Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How sh!tty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.
I remember the days when I could refer to my knees as right and left. Now I refer to them as the good and bad knee.
Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole....
I can`t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment