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Ladys, if you`re in an argument with a guy and there`s no may to win. Start playing with your boobs...works every time.
If you can`t handle me at my worst...I don`t blame you, neither can I.
I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
Its not my fault if I blame everyone for my mistakes...right?
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advise.
Laughter is the best medicine but if you are laughing without any reason, I think you need medicine
Just because I`m awake doesn`t mean I`m ready to do things
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger. So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex`s car.
Before asking a hot chick out, I wish I could first talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
You know it`s time to get a girlfriend when you masturbate in different positions
I`ll be drinking tell I see Leprechauns tonight.
That awkward moment when a comment gets more “likes” than your status.
Today was about as much fun as a warm toilet seat in a public restroom!
Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I`m Tweeting." Boss: "What`s the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
going to mcdonalds for a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug