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My life`s paradox: I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
Adulthood is mostly about being tired and wishing you hadn’t made plans.
I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number? ...hmm
Nothing says `I dont take you seriously` like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Remember, pretty much all of the “tough guys” you see on TV and movies were theater majors in college.
the ulitmate moment is when your identical twin says your ugly
If you come to myspace and twitter about my yahoo, can I google over your facebook?
I guess at a job interview "firing you" is not an acceptable answer when asked where I see myself in a few years.
Sometimes it`s fun to make fun of yourself. Almost as fun as it is to make fun of others.
They used to be called "jumpolines" until you jumped on one...
If only someone on the internet would give me their opinion on the election.
I always dress up when I try to cook. The odds of me starting a fire are pretty high and I want to make sure I look good for the firemen.
Fun fact: Deciding where to eat is the leading cause of divorce
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Good thing I got a college degree I think as I put away the kid toys for the 49 billionth time