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I am a completely different person when I`m not under female supervision.
Hating everything saves countless hours of decision making.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never aging is wearing the same clothes every day.
Boobs, because you can`t motorboat a personality.
It`s like my bank account doesn`t understand me at all.
Imagine being naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog.
Who`s further now, the Energizer Bunny or Voyager 1?
You can dress for success or undress for it. It depends on what type of work you want.
I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn`t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
I don`t even think it`s possible for a bear to cook porridge.
I am a very very very bad influence ... In a good way.
Fun Fact: Valentine`s Day was created by a woman than didn`t get what she wanted for Christmas.
Today I have been sober for 100 days. Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.
It’s so nice outside I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.