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I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space
By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I`ve likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.
You`ve got to be twins. You`re too stupid to be one person.
Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but then I look at my wallet and I feel alright again.
I finally got some "me time" being away from the kids. Two whole hours. Would have gotten more, but my knees started getting numb from crouching behind the dryer.
I wasn`t planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung G7 Note phones.
The way you feel when your phone dies is exactly how Cinderella must have felt at midnight
Appearing on several episodes of Cops doesn`t make you a TV star.
You don’t realize how many people you hate until you have to name a baby or a dog...
I would like to be a Disney Princess...You know, where I have random animals showing up to help with the housework!
Judging from my last 5 relationships I am convinced my heart is trying to kill me
Im 6`1", blue eyes, light brown hair, fit, own my own compa......oh crap, wrong website, sorry.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... The five stages of waking up.
No matter how nice I ask random people, nobody will take me to Funkytown.