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The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to open the vodka is the smartest.
The irony of social media is that the majority of users are all alone.
It’s the getting ahead that I’m running behind on.
I`m not fat, God gave me built in airbags because I`m so precious.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
Plug your headphones into a banana. Everyone will leave you alone twice as much.
Preheating an oven requires too much commitment.
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house.
All who post weather maps on FB. You know we have the internet too, right??
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not a flow chart?
Can`t they just make a "Poke infinity" button?
Why must I prove I`m me, if I`m callin to pay my bill. Do strangers call to pay my bills? If they do, then let them, you idiots!
Million dollar idea: A snooze button that lets you sleep longer the harder you hit it.
The person next to me just farted.. Does this mean my lungs are full of his poo particles -.-