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That awkward moment when im in the Airport, I walk through the metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off
I like to finish all of my drive thru orders with, "And that`s for here."
We should do this “3-day weekend” thing more often.
Of course women dont fart. They never shut up long enough to build up pressure
Mrs Bieber.... WHY U NO USE CONDOM?
I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.
I like to think I`m special, because the thought of idiots like me existing in large numbers is f*cking terrifying.
Me? Stalk? No, I just observe... behind a tree... at night…in the rain.
Give up, itsy-bitsy spider. It wasn`t meant to be.
I think it`s about time Taylor Swift wrote a song called "Maybe I`m the Problem"
Facebook should have a limit on times you can update your relationship status, after 3 it should default to "unstable".
I only use the outdoors to get to another indoors.
People be like: "Awe baby you make me so happy." But the second you break up they be like, "finally happy."
Hysterical Shrieking should be reserved for truly serious situations such as Centipedes, Spiders, and that Creepy Uncle that likes to give everyone back rubs.....
Wonder what my couch is doing right now.