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Roses are red, violets are blue. I lowered my standards, just for you.
Making an effort in the last of 2014 to cut away distractions so I can spend more time with my iPhone.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin` up some poop.
A gentle reminder about Daylight Savings Time: If you thought last Monday sucked, this one will prove to be much, much worse.
If I was a funeral director, I would tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.Then the zombie apocalypse would be hilarious.
Don`t forget to get offended today by some retarded sh!t that has absolutely no bearing on your life whatsoever.
It`s a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.
Momma didn`t raise no fool. I did this all on my own.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of people wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker? Now they just mean that you`re 3 and your parents are idiots.
If Iām ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.