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You just don`t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as "that weird thing I did for a while."
I love it when the person’s laugh is funnier than the actual joke.
I hope we`re friends until we die and then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the sh!t out of people.
If one goes to online college, do they have to haze them self?
I love facebook... It`s the only place where I can talk to a wall and not look like an idiot...
This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that`s also the last time I`ll buy cheap toilet paper...
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn’t hear me call shotgun.
Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.
If you want to pick up girls ....Keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, “try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal”
The way my dog acts, you`d think his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Don’t compare yourself to others, that’s when you start to lose confidence in yourself.
On a scale from 0 to insane I`m batman