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I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
When I die, I don`t want to go sober...
Guy asked me where a public phone was. I told him 1987.
People who try to test my patience don`t realize it`s an exam I don`t plan on passing
If it wasn’t for caffeine I wouldn’t be a functioning member of society.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
It’s interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering
Sorry I said "Better you than me" when you showed me your baby.
if your looking for love sorry to disappoint you im already in a relationship with fun and freedom. :-)
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
If anyone tells you, you have ADHD. Pay no attention.
When I ask a girl I like why she and her ex broke up and she says "we just didn`t work out" I already know I have no chance since I hate working out
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
Even if gas prices go down, I´m still going to siphon gas from my neighbor´s car because I like the adrenaline rush and he´s an a$$hole
Forget Klondike, you should see what I`d do for an open bar.