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My girlfriend said we can`t hang out this weekend because she doesn`t really exist.
If my computer desktop were an actual place, they would bring in blindfolded people to make a Febreeze commercial.
I can`t understand why women are okay that JCPenney has an older women`s clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."
"I`m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money." -my brain
I`ll bet other dogs must think that poodles belong to some weird religious cult.
I hope my last words aren’t “What does this thing do?”
Here`s a crazy concept, maybe I`m not in a bad mood, angry, or a bitch. Maybe I said it because it`s true and I meant it. Marinate on that.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy but sometimes I let her sleep instead..
This company doesn`t know how much of an asset I am.. Or an ass-sit. They really should pay more attention.
An empty web browsing history is a sure sign of guilt.
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched....well, at least that`s what the restraining order says.
Autocorrect changed "you`re so wise" to "you`re so wide", and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
Ladies, don`t date him just because his dad has a yacht. Date the dad.
I`d rather be someone`s shot of whiskey than everyone`s cup of tea.