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My nose is "running", that`s all the exercise I can handle for one day.......
I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
I just gave my ex a big hug which can only mean one thing. That`s right I have the flu and I love sharing.
I`m not impatient. You`re just slow.
Whenever I screw up at work, I`m so glad I`m not a doctor.
I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.
Just joined the support group Hokey Pokey Anonymous ... A place to turn yourself around. ;)
When someone tells me I`m going to hell, I`m like "yeah, duh, I work there part time as a tour guide!"
I won $20 by not playing the lottery last night!
Step aside coffee, this job is going to take hard liquor.
They`ve been farting with my facebook again. It`s like the old days when the the girl you woke up with wasn`t the one you went to bed with.
I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me
Being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible
If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?
That moment of shame when an automatic door doesn`t open for you