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I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...
I always shout "PIZZA`S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn`t think I`m eating two pizzas by myself.
I hardly know you…. but, Facebook says it’s your birthday, so happy birthday!
To ensure you never cut yourself while chopping vegetables, get a friend to hold the vegetable.
I don`t get why people find drunk texts annoying. You`re the person they`re thinking of when their brain can`t even function properly.
Maths teacher: If you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to Mary, 3 to Claire and 2 to Elizabeth then what will you get? Me: 3 new girlfriends.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn`t have toilet paper with aloe.
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces.
Grown up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out I’m not fat. I’m a panda.
Just think how cold and snowy it would be WITHOUT global warming!
It takes patience to listen.., it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
Its so hot I used my blow dryer as a cooling fan!
Of course I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
1. Pour milk on floor. 2. Ask which kid did it. 3. Send them to their rooms when they don`t admit it. 4. Enjoy peaceful evening.