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Sometimes, numbers are the only thing you can truely count on.
With the promise of Free Drinks or Food, I’m willing to go pretty much anywhere.
There`s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself " thank god the cops are here"
Roses are red! violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Snot.
I`m late on the give thanks every day in November thing... so let me catch up. Days 1-22. I`m thankful for boobs
I`d have a longer attention span if things weren`t so shiny.
I have never preheated an oven but I have pre-eaten a frozen pizza.
If anyone is interested I`ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
I have no idea how I use to get around in the dark before I had a cell phone.
I’m always in a rush to get home so I can do absolutely nothing.
If I ever go missing and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
It`s always best to fart when there`s a baby on the bus. They always get the blame.
I will vote for Donald Trump just to hear him tell Obama he`s fired!!
You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That`s a ghost finishing sex with you.
I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time