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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Don`t ask me for advice, my answer is always get them drunk.
K-Y should be called K-WHEN, because we already know why.
My 14 year old sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added "not in your pajamas". So I`m wearing hers because good moms listen.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean & people think I’m joking.
Its amazing how much more tolerable thanksgiving with the family becomes after the 5th cocktail…
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
"I wanna f*ck you so hard right now." "What?!?" "Damn autocorrect, I meant hey."
What idiot decided it should be my foot`s asleep instead of coma toes?
You seem to have a good grip on reality. You`re new here, aren`t you?
I`m the type of person that will burst out laughing in dead silence over something that happened days ago.
Once my ex knocked on my door & then shouted that it was her, so I texted “im not home” then seconds later I texted “if u happen to be here”
Why do they call it "Jew-ish"? Are they not Jew enough?
going to mcdonalds for a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug