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I`m not sure where you learned to whisper but I`m guessing inside a helicopter surrounded by f*cking chainsaws.
10 REASONS WHY I`M LAZY... you know what? Never mind. I can do this later.
Say what you want about Kim and Kanye naming their daughter North West. That kid is headed straight to the top. And slightly to the left.
Age has its advantages. Too bad I can`t remember what they are.
Don’t piss off old people. The older they get, the less ‘life in prison’ is a deterrent.
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not as funny when you live by yourself.
My girlfriend wants to get married. I hope she finds someone nice.
i hope your life is as long and useful as this roll of toilet paper!!!
Some of my best memories are naps.
Who ever said, "The customer is always right", clearly never worked with the public a day in their life.
In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead!
When a guy says "I`m Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.
You know a guy likes you when his pants give you a thumbs up ;)
I get very competitive at "All You Can Eat Buffets."
So... Where does one obtain minions?