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My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. . . . well. . . she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
My girlfriend said that I should use the term `make love` instead of `f*ck.` What the make love is she talking about?
I think I have a serious problem---Today I was reading the newspaper and found myself looking for the "Like" button.
Almost considered doing something with my life, but then I sat down and logged into Facebook.
Head & Shoulders needs to come out with a body spray that will help repel flakey people from my life.
I’m eating just in case I get hungry later
Every new day means new opportunities... to make mistakes and f*ck things up.
I`ve decided to take some time off Facebook so I can focus on work and, ok, I`m back
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
I think I will stick to my old fashioned pepper shaker. This new pepper spray tastes terrible on my potatoes...
You know what’s easy? ... Opening another beer
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
I really don`t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she`s at least 18.
Sometimes in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
What was that idiot thinking when he invented white underwear?