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A sofa is a vacation for your a$$...
Liking something on Facebook instead of commenting is like nodding at someone in an elevator instead of saying hello.
If you can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter.
I realized my superpower.. I can walk into ANY bathroom.. And the toilet paper roll will be empty..
Christmas is all about getting your entire dysfunctional family under one roof, hoping the cops don`t get called and nobody gets arrested.
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man
Legally, it`s questionable .. Morally, it`s disgusting .. Personally, I love it. ;)
If you think someone is staring at you: 1. Yawn 2. If they yawn, they were staring.
The only thing I`ve learned from my mistakes is that I make a whole bunch of them
It`s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she`s on a whole other level.
I don’t trust public opinion polls because they don’t take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots.
Let`s be honest... Gay Divorce Court would be the best thing to happen to daytime TV in the history of ever.
If I ever go missing and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
When the zombie apocalypse happens, I’m going to blast Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”, while the zombies chase us, just to lighten the mood.