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my cross-eyed girlfriend left me today. She was seeing someone else.
Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.
But in my most troublesome times, I looked down and saw only one set of footprints. I asked the Lord why, and He replied that sand people ride single file to hide their numbers.
the difference between people and celebreties ...... celebreties don`t have a routine
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
It should cost $10 to leave someone a voicemail.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Respect your elders. They made it through school without Google and Wikipedia.
If I drank, I`d have a lot funnier status updates on Facebook than I do now. Well, at least I`d think they were funnier.
It’s only a matter of time until “Security Cameras of Wal-Mart” is a reality TV show.
Never believe a person who claims is telling the truth while holding a pack of beers in both their hands
I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like...propel you forward? These are things people need to know NASA
When one door closes, another opens ... I had a Chevette that was like that.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
I`m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.