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Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
If you never jumped from couch to couch as kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.
Night people could take over the world if we weren’t so busy finding something good on TV.
Okay, I can`t take it anymore. What in the hell holds the blocks up in Mario Brothers?
Whenever someone says, "Have a good one." I always respond with, "I have a good one, I just wish it were longer."
I`ve started to make a fresh start in 2015, so if I owe you money, too bad.
"Why?" - Socrates and four year-olds
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
Cop cars should play the jaws theme song
I like to think outside the quadrilateral parallelogram.
Should hallways in mental institutes be called psycho-paths?
That weirdo that comes into bars and tries to sell roses would make a lot more money if he sold tacos.
I wish there was a reality show where people learned grammar.
Snails would be terrifying if they moved quickly.
At least I know it wasn`t just me that was wondering if the cashier was a man or a woman. I just wish that my 5 year old didn`t ask.