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A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
It`s a beautiful day, think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I`m hoping that she`s having an affair.
Dear Microsoft Office Word I am pretty sure I spelled my name correct
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
There are over 10 different flavors of Ramen Noodles, yet they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
I don`t care if it`s a kidnapping/murder; if you tell me a monkey will be involved, I`m 97% more likely to participate.
In paintball, you should be allowed to use a paintbrush as a knife.
Life is so unfair, why do we always want what we don`t have? For example, right now I want tacos
People are always gonna talk about you, so you might as well give them something good to say.
If your talking behind my back then guess what? Your in a pretty good position to kiss my a$$!!!!
Leftover bacon? Lol that’s up there with unicorns, leprechauns, and soulmates.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station`s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn`t leave him alone with the Maid"
i dont have drain bramage.