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I have many talents, but giving an f*ck isn’t one of them
*accidentally answers phone call* ... *pretends to be answering machine*
Do whatever you want. And if it’s something you’re going to regret in the morning…sleep late.
WEB MD should have a simple answer like “Calm down-you probably just ate too many cookies!”
There`s a special place in hell reserved for the guy that decided what time McDonalds beakfast ends.
Dear who ever’s reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
It`s really crazy that you don`t hear a round of applause every time you order a salad.
I`d fight a bear for you. Well, not a grizzly or a brown bear. But maybe like a care bear. I`d fight one of those sonsabitches for you.
I need to borrow someones kid for Halloween. I miss free candy.
Can anyone tell me how to become a illegal immigrant, their benefits are undeniably more superior to our own.
I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.
May your neighbors respect you, troubles neglect you, angels protect you and heaven accept you.
The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.
Carrots may be good for your eyes, but alcohol will double your vision.