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I wish more people were fluent in silence.
Out of all the lies I`ve ever told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot
Never trust a married guys opinion of who`s hot. It`s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
Just rescued a Coca Cola that was trapped in the fridge!
However lonely you feel, you`re never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
that akward moment when you finish doing your thing in the toilet and you realise there is no tissue
I`m high as a kite! Let me rephrase that: I`m stuck in a tree.
I`ll never be to old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
Slightly used Christmas tree only one month old. Paid $60. Looking for $40. No low ballers. Serious inquiries only. Come on let`s get this thing done.
A week is just five days of wishing you had nothing to do followed by two days of wishing you had something to do
Beach people are fickle. One minute you`re the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they`re terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.
I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.