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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
I downloaded this app called "Hide & Go Seek". Ever since then I cant find my damn phone.
Testing.. Testing.. This is a test. If this were an actual ploy for attention.. I would`ve said "bacon" or "boobies."
Whoever is controlling me sucks at this game.
Birthday sex is just like regular sex but you are dissapointed that more people didn`t come.
I always try to behave on Friday nights but there are usually too many other options.
I`m not totally useless. I can be used as a bad example.
Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again.
You know its a bad day when your fat pants are tight :(
If you have a mirror handy, kindly gaze into it and you will find your problem
The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Adam Levine beating me out for sexiest man contest is complete bullsh*t.
The girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.. so I went out and got drunk.
Square box. Round pizza. Triangle slices. I`m Confused.