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You know you are old when your parties have glasses instead of red plastic cups.
Some people should be very grateful I don`t have mob connections.
Just saw a guy with a Support Dyslexia bumper sticker on the front of his car.
Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn`t talk much and I like that.
The right man will love you unconditionally, will be loyal, and will always be happy to see you. ... Oh wait, That`s my dog. My dog does that.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2015.
Never fight anyone who bows to you first.
Who named them veterinarians and not "dogtors"?
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
I`m obviously smarter than you`re
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don`t get married. If you are over 35, don`t get married. If you are 35, don`t get married.
When I grow up I wanna be a psychiatrist for the mentally insane...so i can find out what the hell is wrong with you people
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore.
Why aren’t mustaches called mouth brows?
I used to be poor. Then I bought a dictionary, and now I`m impecunious.