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How do you play religious roulette? You stand around in a circle with your friends and blaspheme, and see who gets struck by lightning first.
Not sure if my dog is barking for no reason or I’m about to be murdered.
If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children
Do you think retailers in Colorado have seen an increase in the sales of Easy Bake ovens and Brownie mix?
Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.
A "long story" is just a short story that no one wants to tell.
I pretend to like people everyday. It`s called being an adult. That`s why we`re allowed to buy booze.
Why does everybody call it a "hot water heater?" It`s really a cold water heater.
My give a damn is busted! Parts on backorder....
My problem? Smart phones are too smart.
I hate it when people like their own statuses * At this point you like your status for dramatic effect*
Just assume that we aren’t close enough for you to send me a game invites on Facebook.
I need a new bad decision.
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with football. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 3 1/2 seasons.