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The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life.
Mary, mary quit contrary, watched their garden thrive. The cops found seed of a very odd weed; Now they`s doing three to five.
Cold? Try Netflix. You’ll still be cold, but you’ll be watching Netflix.
I like to smile at people who don`t like me because I`m an asshole
Mondays aren`t so bad... it`s my job that sucks.
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
Please, lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won`t spoil me!
If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you.
After opening this month`s electric bill, I am no longer scared of the dark.
I don`t know what`s longer, a treadmill minute or a microwave minute.
Whenever someone says to me “Things could be worse” I punch them in the face and say “Like that?”
As I slowly ran my finger down her G string I thought to myself, this is a nice guitar.
If you`re not the lead dog, the scenery never changes!
I just want to be rich enough to tell my boss, "you`re not the boss of me"!
I don’t drink to forget about problems. I drink to create new problems that that make the old issues irrelevant.