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If I were my boss, I`d never leave my coffee cup unattended.
You know you are old when your birthday suit doesn`t fit anymore.
Why is it when you go to get your drivers license photo, they tell you to smile. Your not smiling when the police pull you over.
I eat cake every day because I know somewhere out there, it`s someone`s birthday and I need to show respect.
Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the heck.
spank me, its the only way i`ll learn.
Don`t forget, If anyone asks we are a normal family.
The Zoo is a safe place to fart.
A house is not a home until you can find all light switches in the dark.
Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
To the dude I just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas…
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?
I danced like no one was watching but someone was watching, thought I was having a seizure and called an ambulance