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Ladies - I am still available as a great last minute Christmas gift!
My wife and I are dieting now… and by dieting, I mean we’re not telling each other about the junk food we eat.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
I just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that real hippos don`t actually eat marbles?
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge.
Was the little pig who built his house out of straw some sort of idiot?
I think today I`m going to cut off the sleeves of my snuggie and walk around the neighborhood pretending I`m in a Clint Eastwood western movie.
Fact: No woman has ever shot a man while he is doing the dishes!
The ideal man doesn`t smoke, doesn`t drink, doesn`t do drugs, doesn`t swear, doesn`t get angry, doesn`t exist
If all men are created equal then why are there midgets?
There are 364 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable.
If you`re going to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 10am, don`t be open.
Thought I was having deja-vu. But it turns out, I do the exact same things every day.
You lost your phone and it`s on silent? Too bad. If you liked it then you should`ve put a ring on it.