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No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.
Here is your New Years Resolution. All of that stupid sh!t you did last year? Don’t do that crap this year. Done. You’re welcome.
Does any one know how to lower the difficulty settings on tinder?
Girl: What`s the plan, get me drunk and take advantage of me. Boy: Good, you`ve done this before
Most people decide to have scramble eggs immediately after thinking: "I`ll just flip this omelette"
This would be a "Good Morning!" status update, but it`s not, because morning sucks.
I will always love you, even if I have to from no closer than 300 feet.
Your duty as a friend is to LIKE my Facebook posts even if they suck.
I bet wrecking ball operators are some of the happiest people in the world.
Some people think I`m quiet, others wish I was.
How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.
I swear 90% of the contacts in my phone are useless.
How come people who think they know everything never seem to know when to shut up?
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn`t even apply for the job.
"Shit ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.