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Life is beautiful ...... but Monday`s suck all the way around.
I`m old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
My age is very inappropriate for my behavior.
Every now and then when I`m in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you`re listening". If I`m wrong, nobody knows. If I`m right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
Relationships are like bathrooms. I`m in them a lot longer than I need to be, probably cause I`m playing on my phone the whole time.
There`s a sense of great satisfaction when I`m the tie breaker between `Funny` and `Not Funny` status updates.
I just blew all my party money on bills again
If you could see what goes on inside my head, you would have nightmares for weeks!
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
I`m sorry I slapped you but you didn`t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it´s for them?
I broke up with my girlfriend by e-mail. I don`t know what upset her most, the fact that I did it by email or the fact that I cc`d my new girlfriend who wanted proof.