Daily Silly Status

I miss the life I planned in my head.

I lent my girlfriend ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now she left me and I don’t know what she looks like.

There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he`ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.

I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.

I’m not stupid. I’m just too lazy to show how smart I am.

Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?

I read in the Bible that people used to get stoned to death, that`s a lot of weed.

Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos

Ever talk to someone so stupid you can hear them misspelling words?

QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!

Nice try, self-checkout lane. There`s not even any mirrors.

I`m going to invent a cleaning product that kills .1% of all germs and bacteria. It doesn`t sound very effective, but I`m going to get it placed right next to all the other cleaning products that kill 99.9% of all germs and bacteria.

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride

Good Morning! A fresh cup of hot coffee and my FB page is up, just look at that, I already achieved all my goals for the day.