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The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
You`d think my neighbors could have the decency to ignore me back.
I`m such a thrill seeker, when I see a ‘Caution, Wet Floor’ sign, I walk faster...
I am not cut out for the CIA. All the opposing side would have to do is tickle me and I’d spill all our nation’s secrets.
Everyone is gifted......But not everyone opens their present
I can´t wait for summer. One of my highlights of summer is talking into the fan to hear my robot voice.
The three most terrifying words a woman can utter to a man are "notice anything different?"
Women who say the quickest way to a man`s heart is through his stomach, have not seen his browser history.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I`m going to visit.
I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don`t like her new haircut.
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside!
I`m astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..
As far as Im concerned, you are not my concern.
Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I’ll ever get to yoga.
Years of education, solving tough problems, handling complex issues, yet we take a while standing before glass doors thinking whether to Push or Pull.