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Vodka is just amazing water.
Now that the Summer is over, I can finally stop pretending to be on a diet
It’s all fun and games until they reply to your text with a phone call.
I can`t believe the music that kids listen to now-a-days! What ever happened to wholesome music like "Push It" and "Me So Horny"?
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you`re homeless cause you`re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Guys that try to pick up girls on facebook are pathetic. Girls if you agree, message me your number so we can talk about it.
Men ask us if we`re naked when we tell them we`re taking a bath. THAT`S why they pay more for their car insurance.
Apparently, "Giant ones" is not the appropriate response to the question, "What are the steps you would take in the event of an emergency?"
Dear middle finger: thank you for always sticking up for me.
I`m the type of person who goes out to a restaurant and orders a veggie burger with cheese and bacon on it.
I saw Tom Hanks and asked for his autograph. He abbreviated it, and it just said "Thanks"
Every so often you come across a person who always smiles no matter what, that person is the reason why random bitch slaps should be a thing
Hey, chicks who have words tattooed on your tits... We didn`t come here to read.
Doing donuts in the parking lot sounds fun. Eating donuts in the parking lot sounds better.