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My eye problems starts on Mondays and ends on Friday evening. I see clearer after the fourth bottle.
I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
Vodka and denial are cheaper than therapy.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you`re able to "fall asleep right now."
A cop just pulled me over -- asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, `Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car`
I kind of feel like getting some work done today, so Iām just going to sit here until that feeling passes.
I don`t have to run faster than the lion, I just have to run faster than you.
Very productive day today, turd-wise
Step aside coffee, this job is going to take hard liquor.
life is short play naked
Next time I go to Hooters I`m ordering milk.
The man who created the Thesaurus has died. He`ll be fondly remembered, commemorated, memorialized, recalled and recollected.
I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.
Probably a good thing I`m not a ghost cause I`d just stay in the kitchen and scare people then eat all their food.