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Just woke up next to my bed. Not sure if I fell out or didn`t quite make it in.
I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Was born with a rare condition called "Amazing"
All this time I thought PTA stood for Parents to Avoid
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
"Who`s this clown?" - every guy about every other guy who is in a photo with a girl we like
My therapist says I have imposter syndrome. But come on, I`m not good enough to have something fancy like that.
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my foot while laying on the sofa so I guess today is leg day.
Hey guy in the car behind me... Honking your horn isn`t going to help me type any faster.
Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement is that he was a really sloppy eater.
Oh, so you are thinking about me? I am also thinking about myself.....
I don`t think I can call myself an adult until I can accept the fact that "dry clean only" is not a dare.
The difference between your house smelling like delicious popcorn or burnt a$$ is around 24 seconds ..
I wish there was a reality show where people learned grammar.