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How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.
At a wedding reception someone yelled: “All the married men please stand next to the person that made your life worth living” The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.
I wonder if the psycho hitchhiker ever gets picked up by the psycho driver. Now there`s a movie I`d pay to see.
I swear my bed just whispered "Please Don`t go."
I shurvivfed the dentisht wivout any notishable shide affecshss.
It deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer are in the rghit pcale. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a pobelrm. Tihs is buseace the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Tihs wulod not be psibsole if yuor sutipd. I hpoe for yuor skae you wree albe to raed tihs or taht maens yuor an idoit or barin dmagaed.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis
When one door closes another one opens. Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work.
The real fountain of youth is to have a dirty mind and a naughty smile.
“Nothing is impossible.” I disagree. I’m doing nothing right now… it’s totally possible.
LSD makes users lose weight ... That makes sense. It`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
I`ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I`m actually talking to someone.