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The phrase "don`t take this the wrong way" has zero % success rate
I`d like to give a special thanks to my feet for supporting me and to my arms for being by my side at all times.
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
OK. If you`re so smart, what`s the answer to this question?
The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don`t use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"
I’m pretty much always down for a snack.
Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office – I will track you down. You have my Word.
No matter how much you push the envelope - it`ll still be stationery.
Turbo Tax might just be the worst video game I`ve ever played.
The hardest question of the weekend.. can or bottle?
Famous words from Fergie... "Boom Boom Pow!" Happy 4th of July!!
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn`t improved since fourth grade.
If it doesn’t involve food or sleep, I’m probably not interested.