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"I`d hit that" -old people who drive
I heard someone say their podcast was on "hiatus", guess that sounds better than "my mom took away my laptop".
Saw a midget go into a store while wearing a KKK outfit and thought... That`s a little racist.
Whenever I pick my Grandma up from the airport, I leave my left blinker on during the entire drive so she feels more comfortable.
Ironically, Internet was made to save our time.
They should make an app that tells me how many Oreos I can eat for every mile I jog.
Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber were both answers on Jeopardy tonight. The end is near........
I was having breakfast at a friend`s house and she said "How do you take your coffee?" I said "Very seriously."
Dear YouTube, I will always “Skip this ad.”
If you can’t be a good example, then you’l just have to serve as a horrible warning
Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?
Guys, if she says she’s crazy, she’s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
The biggest cause of cancer in mice is research.
Size does matter ... When ordering a pizza
A cop just pulled me over and said papers - so I said scissors, I win and drove off.