Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
The good thing about being tall is, you can`t get lost in a crowd. The bad thing is, you can`t get lost in a crowd.
How do I like my eggs? ... Umm in a cake.
There`s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
I don`t like Instagram. It reminds me that somewhere people are doing stuff. I just don`t need that kind of pressure.
Well, THAT Jehovah`s Witness isn`t going to forget anytime soon what they witnessed when I answered the door.
I’ve never pretended to be anything I’m not…except for sober. I’ve pretended to be sober a few times.
Of all the lies I`ve told in my life, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
Remember all those times I said "wow, that`s cool!"? What I really meant was, "shut the f*ck up, I hate you."
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my sh!t together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
Its so cold out, I actually saw a gangsta with his pants UP!
I had your cake and ate it too.
These bar stools are creaky!! [continues to fart on first date]
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.