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Roses are red, violets are blue. I have 5 fingers, the middle one is for you.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it`s there to stab potential taco thieves.
How to find the perfect husband: Play monopoly with him. if he chooses the iron, he`s the one
I didn`t text you. Vodka texted you.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
You know what the cheapest meat is? Deer balls ... They`re under a buck
I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don`t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
There just isn`t enough make-up in this world to cover up crazy.
Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner`s high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.
"I don`t see color." - A person who shouldn`t eat snow.
Marriage. Because your sh*tty day doesn`t have to end at work
There’s a reason why “sober” and “so bored” sound almost exactly the same.
I`d love to have kids one day. Two days, tops.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
If your having a bad day, remember that somewhere on this big planet, someone just lost their straw in a capri sun!!