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I shook the vending machine until my chips fell, so yeah, I’m a hunter-gatherer.
People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.
Cannibals don`t drink coffee ... They have a cup of Joe instead.
Burger King is offering delivery service in some areas. I don’t trust it. Everyone knows it’s impossible to drive without eating the fries.
Practice safe text – use commas and never miss a period.
I have a brilliant idea once every seven beers.
If people say you`re acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you`re totally nailin` it.
Good thing Jan Brady`s older sister wasn`t named Beetlejuice
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
I don`t understand when people say `age is just a number`... Age is clearly a word.
B!tch life isn`t a garden ... So stop being a hoe!
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
I need a fixed income. Mine is broken.
Thanks, autocorrect. I`m sure she`s dying to know about my huge peninsula.
Someone invited me to their dog`s birthday party on Saturday. What a freak! I am NOT coming to your dog`s birthday party! Besides, my cat is getting married that weekend!