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It hurts to be in love. Oh wait, I`m sitting on my keys.
These ramen noodles taste like payday is next Friday.
I`m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.
I don`t plan anything as well as I plan which alcoholic beverage I`m going to consume once I leave work.
I`d like to be poor for a day, because being poor everyday gets to be real annoying after awhile.
We`re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap...
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven`t pooped it out yet ... Really scared now!
How can I be expected to make life choices when I still use my fingers to count?
I have a black belt in leather
If my cats have taught me anything, its how to ignore people.
If I could turn snarky sarcasm into a paying job, I could be employed for infinity.
Smile. It makes people wonder what you´re up to.
I thought there`d be more sex during my sexual prime.
i just fell off a 20ft ladder.. good thing I was on the first step.
Apparently when your girlfriend says "f*ck that bitch", you`re not supposed to take her seriously.