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Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.
you need a license to drive, but anyone can have a kid.
If I tell you I can`t text you because I`m driving it`s only because I`m also eating.
I`m growing a mullet to test our friendship.
when a police officer yells turn around . Do not respond by singing . Every now and then i get a little bit lonely when you never come around
It doesn`t matter if you don`t like my personality... I have several more!
It`s not that I CAN`T be good, it`s that I`m SOOOOO much better at being BAD!!!
A real man should never wave faster than he says the word “hey”
If tomatoes are classed as a fruit, then doesnt that mean that ketchup is technically a smoothie? ... hmmm
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here.
The fact that you don’t find me amazing doesn’t bother me at all, it just confirms what I have suspected all along; that you have bad taste.
"I`ve had so much coffee, I got halfway to work and realized I forgot my car."
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
If our phones were really smart, they would tell us to get off of Facebook and do something meaningful or constructive with our lives.
If you love something, feed it so much that it get’s too fat for anyone else to want.