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Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!
DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Pretty cool how the internet lets you stay connected with people you haven`t seen in years and silently judge them on a daily basis.
You can’t call them “love handles” if nobody loves you
Perhaps we should hold elections on the last Friday of November, with polling stations at Walmart, Target and Apple
Wonder if Jesus gets screwed out of birthday presents just because his birthday is so close to Santas?
I`d love to have a sex change. Preferably from `none` to `absolutely sh!tloads`.
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.
Women`s logic: I went to buy a suit. But i saw a beautiful pair of shoes. So i bought this handbag.
the only correct answer to are u ticklish? is i have explosive diareha right now
It`s hard to trust people. Even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
My mind has a mind of its own.
When the coffee stops working it is probably the right time to start drinking.
Most hated song in jail: "Bad Boys, Bad Boys, whatcha gonna do when they come for you"......
Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.