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Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.
I would like to say to all my 500+ facebook friends, that i love each and every one of you..except you number 371..your a real a@@hole!!
Computer froze? Just press all the keys.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5`9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Key to a great marriage ... Lack of imagination.
Shout out to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.
I didn`t fall. The floor just needed a hug.
"Do you have a charger?" is the new "Could I bum a cigarette?"
I HATE it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. ..For the FIFTH time, I do not want to go to your cat`s birthday party. Damn it! ..My dog is getting married
Beach people are fickle. One minute you`re the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they`re terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don`t even remember what he did anymore.
How many exercise/workout videos does a person have to buy before seeing results?