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I wasn`t even going for broke. But I got it!
There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.
Why go out and pretend to like people when you have Netflix?
"I love Justin bieber" well I love McDonalds but you don`t see me making an account pretending to be a f*cking chicken nugget do you...
I`m sorry but sh!ts and giggles don`t sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
One advantage of growing old is you don`t have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.
HANGOVER!!!!! it`s God`s way of sayin "u kicked a$$ last night"
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I`ll be telling everyone it`s from having sex while skydiving.
FYI....just in case something happens.....The cashier at the liquor store down the street is my emergency contact person.
If he only wants you for your breasts, legs, and thighs; Send him to KFC by SIMO
I don`t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel crossing the street.
Sometimes, half your sh!t is worth it.
I hear they designed the newest iPhone to fit perfectly in your hand, right where your money used to be.