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What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
The guy that discovered milk...What was he doing to that cow?
Is it wrong to put leftover Halloween candy in their Easter baskets?
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
Ah Friday...my second favorite "F" word!
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I hate how homeless people shake their coin cups at me. I get it. No need to gloat that they have more money than me.
I ignored your Facebook friend request because there isn`t a "Hell no!" button.
Don`t look at me in that tone of voice...
I never thought I’d be the kind of person who’d wake up early in the morning to exercise... and I was right.
Farting isn`t ladylike? Well, neither is giving a blowjob, but I have never heard you complaining about that!
When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.
There should be a law requiring you to explain what gluten is before you’re allowed to complain about it.
Me: Mom...Dad. I`ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside
Nice tan, what`s your race? Carrot?