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There’s no excuse for my behavior, so I’m drinking until I have one.
I`ve created a shoe made out of Legos, so when you step on Lego it doesn`t hurt. You just get taller.
For once I`d like to see "It`s been a crappy year, mainly cause your were part of it"
If I were my boss, I`d never leave my coffee cup unattended.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Your day sucked, huh? I`m sure Facebook would love to hear about it.
There are a few people I`d like to go to bed with but I can`t think of a single person I`d like to wake up with.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn`t even come close to my 10 year old`s reaction when I told him that there`s no school today.
If you don`t know me by now....I`m a really good stalker.
Cake and pie can’t compete. If you put candles in a cake it’s birthday cake. Put candles in a pie and someone’s drunk in the kitchen.
Example of the difference between `You`re`and `Your`: 1. "You`re nuts" = "You are nuts" 2. "Your nuts" = "What about my nuts?"
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Picking up someone at a bar when you`re drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn`t want
You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.
`Google`` must be a woman, because it knows everything.