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Its that time of year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last year.
If I had a time machine I`d set it to "back in the day", just to see what everyone is talking about.
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends.
People should seriously stop expecting normal from me...We all know it`s never gonna happen
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it`s cause I`m afraid she might try to poison me.
I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn`t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
When ur mom Calls and u have a party at ur house you; shut up!! Answers phone you; hi mommy!
Relatives comin` ~ hide all awesome stuff!
If at first you don`t succeed, you`ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn`t succeed either.
It seems like the ‘L’ in my luck has been replaced with an ‘F’.
I don`t need your advice. I do a great job of screwing up my life all by myself, thank you!
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.
I haven’t lived paycheck to paycheck since my last paycheck.
Conserve energy: How would you feel if someone turned you on and then left?
If you think husbands aren`t good listeners, whisper "Come here, I`m naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.