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I`m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don`t want to hang out with you now but I`m still proud...
If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.
Have you ever wondered what a job application at Hooters is like? Maybe they just give you a bra and say, “here, fill this out”.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog`s poop.
When I`m in a bathroom stall, please don`t yell "Oh my God oh my God there`s a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
Very productive day today, turd-wise
The worst thing about rich people is I`m not one of them.
I am finally old enough to realize my father was right, but now my kids think I am wrong.
Just think of how different the world would be if Noah had eaten those two chickens.
Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I`m available.
Is anyone going to tell America`s funniest videos about YouTube?
My package finally came today. this is awesome....it means I have bubble wrap to play with
My coworkers are looking at me like they`ve never seen anyone tailgate before work.
“That’s funny” is something I say when I can’t even fake a laugh.
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it`s negative.