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You can learn a lot about a girl by ignoring her text messages.
Does this status update make me look fat?
I`m not upset because it`s Monday, I`m upset because I have to wear pants
Weird when someone vanishes from your Facebook feed for 3 years then suddenly reemerges with the results of a "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz.
Just put my money where my mouth is. Pennies taste disgusting.
Sometimes, I drink a glass of water, just to surprise my liver!
You know it`s a good night when you wake up with gum in your bellybutton.
I wonder if the psycho hitchhiker ever gets picked up by the psycho driver. Now there`s a movie I`d pay to see.
The word bed looks like a bed.
The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself"...and spiders. Oh, and ticks and nuclear war and getting laid off and losing your eye sight and...
Dodgeball, but with random people who don`t know that they are playing..............
After how long is it ok to tell your friends that they are imaginary?
Did you know you can buy live lobsters? Anyway, can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters.
Between the coffee and the cocaine, it looks like the mission of Colombia is to wake up the world.
I had this awesome dream last night where Facebook went down and most of you went on a killing spree.