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In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
If you try and don´t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
I`m as nutty as a squirell fart
Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space
When you have a lot, you have hair. When you only have a few, you have hairs.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.
I broke my finger today. But on the other hand I`m fine.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
If I`m guilty of anything, it`s loving too much. And several outstanding speeding tickets. But mostly loving too much.
I wish I could smack the stupid out of people. And if you think this status is about you ... Smack yourself for me!
If pi is 3.14, then I think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
I’d drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.
Is food porn star a thing yet??