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I think on December 21 all the power companies should shut off the power for like 10 minutes just to make people flip out.
Weird when someone vanishes from your Facebook feed for 3 years then suddenly reemerges with the results of a "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz.
Ever gotten that awkward feeling? ..like the one when you realize you`re chewing on a BORROWED pencil?
?"I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the "why aren`t you wearing pants" look."
Think you`re going crazy? When you get there, look for me and I`ll show you around.
Commence six months of the clock in my car being wrong.
I don`t know if I have a stalker, but if I do could you drop off some beer? Thanks
I thought I`d try yoga to make myself more flexible, but I`m still incredibly stubborn.
If animals spoke our language we`d be in their debt because they`d have some seriously incriminating dirt on all of us.
I was stood in front of the mirror last night, admiring my six pack. Then it occurred to me, why the f*ck am I not drinking it?
Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn`t have waffle cones but they had pictures of waffle cones. That guy was me.
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
I think I might be bisexual. Because last night I had sex by myself.
Sometimes i wish i was an octopus, so i can slap eight people @ once!
I think abs are for guys that don`t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.