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My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...
Do you really know me or am I just an idea that you`ve built in your head?
My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. . . . well. . . she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old`s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Got kicked out of the hospital. Apparently the “head nurse” is just the one in charge of the other nurses.
Guys: Bet a female friend that she can’t touch her bellybutton with both elbows. Enjoy the view.
A reality show where a couple wins $10 million dollars if they show nobody a picture of their baby for the first 2 years.
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
its not the up`s and down`s that bring you down...its the jerks!!
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, somebody always answers?
Good news: I finally got my computer connected to the wireless printer. Bad news: not sure which house I need to go to get my documents.
Well h€ll, I was going to post a status about my p€cker, but it was too long.
Why can’t we all just get a Long Island Iced Tea?
If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.