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The black sheep always have the best stories.
I`m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
wishes life would hand me lemons especially today.. that way I`d have something to throw at the people that are pissing me off
I ordered some bubble wrap online. It arrived in a box surrounded by packing peanuts.
Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you`re able to get away with.
feels guilty for not spending more time with my kids. I should really get them a Facebook account.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it.
Tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again.
Your pants say yoga but your a$$ says McDonalds!!
Don`t have sex man, it leads to kissing and pretty soon you will have to start talking to her..
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
In the morning there`s a huge difference between 6:00 and 6:05.
I just read that ciggarettes cause rectal cancer, I should me fine, I was going to put them in my mouth anyway..
To whoever said “fight fire with fire”: do you actually test your own advice before giving it?
I`m thinking of making a sax tape to make myself well known like some of the bad boys and girls do...does it matter if I can`t play it?