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At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost the same.
Standing up: Wow, I`m actually kind of skinny. Sitting down: Okay, maybe not..
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
Let me drink about it and get back to you.
If "The Breakfast Club" was made today, it would be a silent film about five kids staring at their phone
It`s so cute how you can throw balls right at kids faces in the Chuck E Cheese ball pit and they think you`re just playing.
If you don’t count any of my failures, I’m quite successful.
Story of my life : 1. i wake up .... 2. i go to school.... 3. i see a girl .... 4. i run to her and kiss her.... Actually, the right order is 2,3,4,1 ..
I`m opening a bar called The Office. You`re welcome guys. "Be home soon sweetie, I`m at The Office"
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don`t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I hate driving so much that I even ring for taxis on grand theft auto.
Women.Some men undermine, disrespect and consider them weak,forgeting the countless spanks they got from their mothers
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?