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I bet Waldo`s parents are worried sick.
I can`t tell them apart, was that Milli or Vanilli doing the sign language at Madela`s funeral?
How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don`t show it to her.
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
I never get nervous or embarrassed. That`s just some sh*t that sober people who leave the house have to worry about.
Business plan : 1. hold sign that says "free hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I`m done picking my nose, I`m gonna smile and wave.
Bad decisions and good stories or good decisions and no stories?
I could write an entire book on excuses... but I have to drop my dog off at the airport.
Lesson Learned: I poured bleach on the asshole that cut me off at the self-checkout. According to the cop, I misunderstood asshole bleaching.
I`d fight a bear for you. Well, not a grizzly or a brown bear. But maybe like a care bear. I`d fight one of those sonsabitches for you.
I work so hard for my gta V character to have a better life
Monday :`( Tuesday :-( Wednesday :- Thursday :-/ Friday :-| Saturday :-) Sunday B-)
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.