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What thinks the unthinkable? An itheberg.
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.......i felt like that bitch was seeing someone else.
What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.
I wonder if the clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look! ...that one`s shaped like an idiot!"?
I always get a nice safe feeling whenever I see a police car and I realize I`m not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine.
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. I’m so glad I’m not a crazy person.
I`ve heard that men that are married live longer, but i`ve also heard that men that have sex live longer. Anybody know which one of them is true?
Life is like a box of chocolates. They never last as long for fat people.
I hope manners is the next cool trend.
Yet another advantage of being single. All I bring to Thanksgiving is empty Tupperware...
My phone just filmed a 6 hour documentary about life inside my pocket
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it`s AM. Google thinks I`ve got my life together.
“You look tired” is just a polite way to tell someone they look like sh*t.
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word" is super-romantic. But the cops didn`t think so.