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We`ve all been talking about your paranoia.
If you got up this morning and ran straight to fb i am 100% POSITIVE its because you missed me.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Snoring is just God`s way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out.
When I was younger I thought I was bipolar. Turns out I was just an a$$hole who was happy about it.
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can`t figure out who`s going to do it.
Make your girlfriend scream your name, leave the toilet seat up.
Finally got my sh!t together... Now if I can just remember where I put it
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first make sure she has coffee, you don`t want to get up there and there`s no coffee.
Walmart needs observation decks.
Hangovers are nature`s way of grounding you as an adult.
I’m bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
When you are not happy and would like to go back to being young, think of Algebra!
All women have an hour glass figure – it’s just that they all tote around different amounts of sand.