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On a scale from 0 to insane, I`m Batman!
I pack an hour before leaving for a trip but unpacks 3 months after coming home
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo
It`s a little disappointing when you`re watching a school basket ball game & no one turns into a werewolf.
United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, leave as patient.
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.
Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can`t watch Breaking Bad.
Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
I react to "Someone has tagged a photo of you..." in the same way I react to a doctor saying, "Your test results came back..."
Guys would stay home longer if boobs came in a 30 pack.
Suddenly my prison fantasy football league just got real.
Everyone picks their nose at some point, it`s what you choose to do next that defines who you are as a person.
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.
F*ck you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late