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Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the hell.
Of course it`s you. If it was me I wouldn`t even bring it up.
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
people say i talk in my sleeep , but no one at work seems to notice
I didn`t see anyone important yesterday, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes today.
This morning I woke up to a surprise BJ. Thats the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
If I had a cooking show, it would be called “Do You Smell Something Burning?”
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone`s ok with that.
Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
What if your soulmate is over there on Twitter while you`re here on Facebook?
I hate that little line of dirt that I can never get into the dust pan.
"Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this."--MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
These Jehovah`s Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.