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Ever been completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
This liquor store needs a dollar menu.
I`m too lazy to be a stalker. You`ll have to come here. Bring coffee.
I always advise people never to give advice.
I love this oscillating fan, 5 out of every 15 seconds.
Life is like a box of chocolates. Get your own and stay the hell out of mine.
Haiku`s confuse me / Too often they make no sense / Hand me the pliers
Dear Kelloggs, Cereal that makes them go back to sleep. Sincerely, Tired parents
I`ve decided to add more positivity in my life. So, now when I say someone`s an a@#hole, I qualify it with......... but he`s really good at it...........and I`m positive about that!
I live in a madhouse, ruled by a tiny army, that I made myself
My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it
A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.
i just fell off a 20ft ladder.. good thing I was on the first step.
Be the type of gentleman that holds the door open for your girl, but smacks her ass as she walks in.
A guy had his whole left side torn off, the doctor said he`s all right.