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The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
Another beautiful morning I wish I was sleeping through.
A sofa is a vacation for your a$$...
On the first day of school, I tell all my students to rip up their textbooks ..then I leave before their REAL teacher arrives.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it’s only Thursday.
Always be yourself, unless you suck…and if you suck you should try being more like me.
Studies confirm that smoking withdrawal (for me) can be fatal (for you).
I never said "you were stupid" I said "you are stupid", there`s nothing past tense about it!
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really fast
It’s amazing how everyone cries for free speech until someone says something that they don’t like.
If Kanye didn`t sing "Gold Digger" while Kim walked down the aisle, I`m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding.
I don’t necessarily believe in karma, but I’m gonna be extra careful crossing the street after this weekend.
I`m good at counting cards. I keep ending up with 52.
Truthfully, I`d like you all a whole lot better if you were bacon.
If my grandmother were alive today, I`m pretty sure she`d still have her blinker on.