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Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
Some things get in the way of my happiness, so I ignore them.
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach the cookies.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter STEP 2: Receive email newsletter STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life.
Yeah, I was dropped as a baby. Into a pool of sheer awesome.
I eat cake every day because I know somewhere out there, it`s someone`s birthday and I need to show respect.
The fridge is a clear example that what matters is what`s inside.
Feeding my kid cold pizza. They will be off to college soon and preparation is the key to success.
No, I’m not funny. I’m just really mean and everyone thinks I’m joking.
A bunch of us are going out for pancakes when Facebook is over, if you want to come along.
If you enter a room and there`s no food, you`re in the wrong room.
I just keep telling myself you guys don`t have sex either.
I don`t know why the Petco cashier gave me this look when I asked for the fish`s Birth date.
When I have a yard sale I play the theme song to Sanford & Son with a boombox on my porch.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms: LOL - Lucifer Our Lord, BRB - Burn Religious Books, TBH - Tell Beelzebub Hi