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Just Failed my Health and Saftey Test.The question was,"What steps would u take,in case of a fire?!"Big f*cking ones"was the wrong answer.
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as "that weird thing I did for a while."
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
I don`t care what people think of me. It can`t be half as bad as what I think of them...
My wife thinks I`m at work. My boss thinks I`m home sick. These ducks think I`m awesome because I have the bread.
I`m not the sort of person you should put on speakerphone.
I don`t care about your choice in politics, religion, or taste in music... I judge you simply based on football team preference
I think people who challenge me at Words With Friends are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.
My favourite part about amazingly hot, energetic, passionate sex. Is being able to rewind the tape & watch it again.
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.
That akward moment you try and deep throat a banana and get caught ... and your a dude.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V "Tuesday"
My house is not a mess. It`s just that everything is on display for your viewing pleasure. Like a museum.
When I think of all the money I`ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
Chuck E Cheese: Because it`s never too early to introduce your children to gambling and bad nutrition.