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Financial status: I hope United Airlines drags me off my flight
What I lack in height, I make up for in kitchen counter climbing ability.
I may not have the best parenting skills; but, in my defense, my kids don`t have the best childing skills, either.
I just realized that if we drink enough wine, the adult`s table will become the kid`s table.
There`s a sense of great satisfaction when I`m the tie breaker between `Funny` and `Not Funny` status updates.
It`s such a cold winter this year that the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far 3 of my neighbors have disappeared...
Story of my life : 1. i wake up .... 2. i go to school.... 3. i see a girl .... 4. i run to her and kiss her.... Actually, the right order is 2,3,4,1 ..
If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
that awkward moment when you`re alone somewhere and trying to take a picture of yourself.
Sometimes i wish i was an octopus, so i can slap eight people @ once!
When dealing with women, you can either be right or get laid. You can`t have both.
I have found my sleep number and it is eleven, eleven beers.
If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious.
my husband of 10 years still goes mad when I use his toothbrush, if anyone knows a better way to get dog poo off shoes, im all ears