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Don`t do anything you`re not prepared to explain to a paramedic...
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
If someday we all go to prison for downloading Movies and TV shows, I just hope they split us up by genre.
During Sex you burn as much calories as running 5 miles ... Who the f*ck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds.
I`m a huge fan of screaming "You`re welcome" really loud when people don`t say thank you...
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
Pretty much always 3-5 seconds away from just laying down wherever I am.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Nascar would be so more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.
More people should be at a loss for words.
Being fat = Lowers your chance of getting kidnapped.
I`m astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..
If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.
for every like, I will fart on my wife face
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancee by the way he hasn`t murdered her