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My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.
Beer and a 44 magnum with an everclear shot makes everything good like Nintendo
Not to cause a panic but i`m starting to think we`re running out of things to stuff inside pizza crust.
I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer.
Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you`re able to "fall asleep right now."
If you can say "I made six figures last year," you either have a well paying job or you`re the worst employee at a toy factory
I Don’t answer text messages right when I get them so I don’t seem desperate. Then, I forget about them and never respond.
"I’m not drunk!” is an argument only very drunk people think they can win
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don`t even call back people I know.
I like to walk around my house naked… Until my neighbors scream at me to go back inside
Screw you recommended serving size. You don’t know me.
When the only light in your world is suddenly gone …it’s time to recharge your phone.
I didn’t say “what?” because I can’t hear you. I was giving you a chance to change what you said.
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Are oranges named orange because they’re orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?