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There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Hmmmm what should I buy myself for Valentines day.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
It`s finally here! .. That time of year when my seasonal depression turns into just regular depression.
My favorite all time cooking shows: 1. Iron Chef 2. Hell`s Kitchen 3. Breaking bad
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
My mother suggested that I get professional help... and that`s when I hired my first hooker.
If a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.
My motto is "Never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto...
Life is hard, it`s even harder when your stupid.
I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.
I embraced my inner child today and the lil` bastard bit me!
Just scraped 3 inches of "Mostly Cloudy" off my car.
I sneak alcohol into work because I`m a problem solver.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the f*ck down. -Bfanch