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Picking and choosing who to say happy birthday to since 2006, thanks Facebook!
OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!! But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer. She never even knew.
I`m confused as to whether I`m supposed to leap or hump today.
I always push when I should pull. I have doorlexia.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it`s a small soft drink.
It`s amazing how I come up with my best status updates when I`m in the shower or when I`m driving. I think it has a lot to do with me being naked.
Looking back, it was a good thing I was too wasted to fire up the chainsaw.
Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he`s gonna get to wear it.
FACT: How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated…but can’t pronounce it.
Whoever said "What goes around, comes around", never passed around a bag of Doritos......................
I just don`t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.
You know you should goto sleep when the sheep you`re counting start hitting the fence.
I wonder what my future wife is doing right now ... Hopefully modeling.