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I’m the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I’m asleep.
If you like someone, pretend they`re a charger and you`re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.
if money grew of trees, girls would be dating monkeys
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night.
We should`ve let the guy who named oranges keep naming other stuff.
Life is not fair. But life is not fair for everyone, which actually makes it fair.
My motto is "Never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto...
I don`t mean to brag, but my posts are enjoyed by well over 20 people worldwide...
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I’d take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
I can eat a piece of pie without a plate or a fork what else should I write on this dating site profile?
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that`s just for the alcohol.
Describe yourself in 3 words". "Not good at following instructions"
Doing something weird and thinking “this is why I’m single”.
Sleep is like a time machine to breakfast.
To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Sunday morning: Try holding the other end.