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Happy 1 year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer!
School is like an erection. It`s long and hard unless you`re Asian.
My entire life is a “you had to be there” moment.
I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.
Are you reading this from a toilet? I’m writing this from one.
Warranty – A notice telling the buyer when the product that was just purchased will no longer function.
Updating my status in the car. Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.
I`m a passionate supporter of things that don`t inconvenience me or require any type of action or physical effort.
Don`t come to my door wanting to talk about the Lord. I don`t come to your door wanting to talk about wine and vibrators, do I?
Burned almost a thousand calories with the elliptical machine today. Moved it into the basement, that thing is heavy!
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn’t make the cut.
The last time I went to a nude beach I got a ticket. The officer said I was applying my sunscreen...Too Fast.
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
There is no better sunscreen than sitting in a bar.