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The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
I’ll call it a “smart phone” the day I yell, “Where’s my phone?!” and it answers, “I’m here! Under your covers!”
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Keep the dream alive......... Hit the snooze button.
It`s so cold Miley Cyrus got her toungue stuck on her wrecking ball
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
Psycho and socio have always been my favorite paths.
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
A man typed in search box on Google : “What do women want?”. Google Replied : “We are also searching…”
Ghetto wet floor sign: Caution Bitches Be Trippin
Porn & love songs. Destroying reality forever.
Hey baby, wanna come to myspace and twitter my yahoo `till i google all over your facebook?
You know there was a time in my life where I just didn`t give a f#ck.....funny how it seems that much hasn`t changed from an hour ago!!
The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.