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A recent survey revealed that 4 out of 5 women think I`m an a-hole...
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious!
never be afraid to wipe twice
If I told you I was a pathological liar, would you believe me?
You hate me? I didn’t even know you existed.
My moral compass must run on solar power because it never seems to work after dark.
I can`t be trusted with your alphabet magnets.
Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Ermegerd! I WON EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH!!!!! Again! I love being self employed..
No matter what happens this month, at least you’re not a turkey.
The longer I stay at home. The more homeless looking I look.
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!
I was enjoying our conversation. Until you started talking....
I fold down my laptop screen very slowly at night so I don`t squish you guys.