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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
To those that manufacture and market tight, thin yoga pants to fit college girls; I love you man.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
I don’t understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.
The only problem with using the treadmill is that you can`t run from your own farts.
If you watched a person cut a piece of wood, would that be sawed or seen?
I like to pee on car windows in subzero weather, happy scraping
I fail to understand the ‘good’ part of ‘good morning’
Somewhere in America, a woman has a baby every 47 minutes. We`ve got to find this woman and stop her!
I`m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Nothing like a brisk morning jog to start the day! Just kidding! I don`t do that.
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I’m always ready for bed
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there`s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
I think Labor Day is to remind people that after a full day with the family, going to work actually isn`t so bad after all.