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So much of my day is just keeping myself distracted until it`s time to eat again.
She asked me for time and distance. I guess she wants to calculate velocity.
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!
Why can`t I get service in my own home, but the god damn Taliban can upload videos from a cave in Afghanistan!?
Why do men fart more than women? Because women can`t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Hi I’m a spider & I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
Technology is outpacing my ability to come up with convincing lies that I didn`t get your message.
Pokémon means a totally different thing if your stuck in a Jamaican prison.
I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
Never underestimate the power of the web. -Charlotte
All I want for Christmas is for these calories to not count.
I just wish the automatic paper towel dispensers were half as sensitive as the automatic flushers.
Being handed a flyer is the offline version of a pop-up ad.
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?