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WORST.... APOCALYPSE..... EVER.....
The word "Lovers" bums me out unless it`s between the words "Meat" and "Pizza".
After committing a crime, always carry a fire extinguisher. No one gets stopped while running with a fire extinguisher.
Today is National I Don`t Feel Like Doing Sh!t Day. Celebrate accordingly.
Went to my friends house with my girlfriend today. As we walked in I noticed her phone automatically connected to his wifi. That f*cking slut.
McDonald’s Management Rule #23: “The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times.”
The color 9 is my favorite letter.
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn`t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn`t, use the tape.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Being able to read minds would be incredible...but constantly hearing about how sexy and great I am would probably get old.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
No means no! Unless she`s dyslexic; then it`s on!
UFC is 10% fighting, and 90% advertising the next fight
The best part of an argument is the make up sex...unless you`re fighting with your brother.