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Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Going to drink straight from the carton because I`m a badass!
I know I`m in trouble when the voice in my head starts using my middle name
Sorry I’m cranky. I didn’t get my nap in today.
I`m one more bottle of wine away from starting a blog.
Why can`t my coworkers just play on the Internet like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.
You laugh because I´m different. I laugh cause I just farted!
It`s never good when Human Resources sends you an email and the subject line is "Your Facebook Activity".
Watch out! It’s quite possible some of my best mistakes haven’t been made yet.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Sorry I mispronounced your baby`s name you made up.
I love Ebay. Sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month.
“Shit ton” is my favorite unit of measurement.
Sure, I`ll show up at your Halloween Party... I`ll be coming as the invisible man....
I got Mood Poisoning. Must have been something I hate.