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It only takes a second to show a person how much you feel about them. The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever...
Out of all the lies I`ve ever told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
I prefer to be crazy and happy rather than normal and bitter......
I had the greatest bowel movement at 2am......unfortunately I woke up at 8am (<>..<>)
Wisdom for the day is , hot cheetos are not breakfast.
People go to the bar hoping for two things ... to get hammered or to get nailed.
Every girl is beautiful, sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it....
If anyone is interested, I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 1:00 PM until I’m escorted out by security.
Life Insurance: Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money?
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole. jk
I just want to be famous enough to have a Wikipedia page full of misinformation about me.
I really don`t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she`s at least 18.
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macauley Culkin because I always go home alone.
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.
If you have time to update your status as "very busy", then you obviously exaggerated.