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When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
A plus side to being my friend is that you can come to my house in your pajamas and I won’t judge you because I too will be in my pajamas.
Sometimes I whisper, "I´m on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world.
Nothing ruins a perfectly good mood like reality.
Save electricity! Would you like it if someone turned you on and then left?
Got tossed outta Starbucks this morning for asking the really cute redhead behind the counter for a "Quickie". Apparently it`s pronounced "Quiche`" who knew......
I want to put a bib on a baby that says "This dumbass put my cape on backwards." lol
I never mix business with pleasure, ......unless i call an escort.
Trying to get in shape for all those people I`m not having sex with.
One day id like to have a brand new Iphone like the lady in front of me with the food stamps.
Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?
He who laughs first, must be connected to wi-fi.
Does running away from your problems count as exercising? If it is, then I`m one hell of a fitness freak
The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.
Carrots may be good for your eyes, but alcohol will double your vision.