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Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
Have you ever seen the look on a mans face when he is truly sorry? Yeah, me either!
You’re not an easy person to like….I like that about you.
If I ever sound inspriational, one of us is drunk.
If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you`re doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a distance, but once you get there it`s just a bunch of sh!t you don`t really need.
I like to follow random families around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all their photos.
next time you`re at a movie point at the screen when a scene with extras are on and say to your buddy "look, there i am!" and see how many people look over at you in awe.
If you`re going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight... to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
If time does not wait for you, don’t worry. Just remove the battery from the clock and enjoy life.
“Yes” is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks you’ve consumed.
Growing up we were so poor. If I wasn`t a boy I would have had nothing to play with.
That annoying moment when a package says "easy open" and you need scissors, a knife, a gun, and a lightsaber just to open it.
Apparently I`d rather debate in my mind whether or not to get up and pee than sleep.