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Vegetables are a must on my diet. I am eating Carrot cake, Zucchini bread and Pumpkin pie.
I got on-line to check the weather...That was 12 years ago.
My coworker`s inspire me to drink on the job.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night ... From the dryer
Of all the lies I tell, "I was just kidding!" is my favorite.
All I’ve ever wanted from life was to be a disturbance in the force.
I named my dog "5 Miles" so I can tell people, "I walk 5 Miles every day"
I wish I was a jedi, but mostly just so I didn`t have to bend over to pick up dog poop.
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, never mind, you will know who you are soon enough.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools
When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.